honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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