I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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