Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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