i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
