You're so nebulous sometimes
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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