is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
no you cant smoke seaweed
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
