I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
