He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
