I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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