And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
