Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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