my mouth tastes like poor choices
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
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He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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