Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type