he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.