My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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