just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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