you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Well I just put wine in my tea
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
