nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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