He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
