Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
