I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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