Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
