I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
