Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize