Kiss
Puke
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
