This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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