Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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