Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
