The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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