I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My cat gives me a boner
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
