I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
