Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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