My friends, they love my intelligence
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
