he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
