I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
