nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
