Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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