So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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