She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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