Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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