Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
