So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
