Whod you bang
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
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