So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
