i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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