I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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