Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
