Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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