my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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