so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
