Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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