I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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