please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
