Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just had sex on a roof
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
