life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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