This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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