She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
