Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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