His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
