I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
