no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
