I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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