I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
