My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize