Old men and throwing up are my life now.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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