There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
